critical mistake not lubing the nipples
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize