so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Four minutes until I can fart!
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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