Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
So squirting runs in the family.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
