I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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