I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
