she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
