oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
You took a bar mat shot.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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