Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
