When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
