Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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