so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize