haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
