my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Randomize