we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize