Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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