so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
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