On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
