Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Randomize
