The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
