Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Woke up backwards on a recliner
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
