There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
