Cold hands, warm shart.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I think I just sharted jello shots
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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