Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize