How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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