For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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