I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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