I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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