We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
