woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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