I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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