i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
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