After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
