My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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