and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
