hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
