My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
