Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
