Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
