Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
