it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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