My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
