but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
