Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
