dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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