I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
We smell like vodka and hangover
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