Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize