I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
