You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
