Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
