his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
