Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Is Oprah even human
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
