Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
