Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
