she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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