Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
