you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
