I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I currently don't understand fingers.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize