I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
