I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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