i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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