Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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