I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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