There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
