you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Randomize
